PMS: PreMoon Syndrome
by hockey.star
Summary: Remus suffers from PMS.  James and Sirius plot. A moment between the three true Marauders.


Disclaimer: My initials are CLC, not JKR.

It was an evening like any other: three Marauders sitting in their dorm, contemplating the meaning of life, having serious, intellectual discussions about the political state of the Ministry and the latest school assignment...

"You can't release a viper into the Slytherin common room!"

...Or not.

"Oh come on, Moony. You're such a bore! Why not?" Sirius whined.

"Are you two seriously asking me why you can't put a venomous snake in a room full of unsuspecting students?"

"But they're Slytherins! The house of the snakes!" Sirius' attempt at logic failed miserably.

"And we're the house of the lions! That doesn't mean we want a lion loose in our common room!"

James and Sirius' mouths both turned upwards into their 'prank idea smirks' and Remus groaned, "You cannot release a lion in our common room!"

"Oh don't be such a goody-two-shoes, Moony. You're no fun when you go all Prefect-y on us."

"Telling you not to release a lion inside a school is not "Prefect-y", Prongs, it's common sense!"

"Common sense is boring, too." Sirius agreed.

"Well somebody has to have it, 'cause clearly neither of you were born with it."

"Merlin's beard, Moony. What crawled up your arse and died?"

"It's his __time of the month__, Padfoot," James whispered. Not quietly enough though since Remus threw a pillow at him from across the room, "What? You have super hearing now too, Moony," he rubbed the back of his head sulking.

"No, you just don't understand the concept of whispering, wanker."

"I'm only a wanker when Evans shuts me down," James replied matter-of-factly, ignoring the first part of the insult.

"Which is always."

"Shut it, Padfoot!"

"What did I ever do to deserve you guys as my friends?" Remus sighed.

"Awe, Moony, no need to get so sappy. You probably just ate all your veggies," Sirius grinned, always willing to take a compliment.

"I didn't mean it as a good thing, idiot."

"Hey, I'm not an idiot! I got an O on the last Potions assignment all by myself!"

"You copied my assignment, Padfoot!"

"LIES!"

"Nah, mate. It's true."

"Et tu, Prongsie? Ouch!" Sirius collided with the floor after a failed attempt at swooning into James' arms. Swooning into people's arms is kind of hard when the person who's supposed to catch you steps out of the way.

Remus burst out laughing.

"You enjoy my pain, Moony?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"The pain in my heart matches the pain in my body," Sirius sniffed, in a rather transparent attempt to gain sympathy, "And my stomach. I'm hungry."

"We just had dinner, Padfoot," Remus rolled his eyes.

"I'm a growing boy."

"In what way?" James smirked.

Sirius gasped, "Prongsie! My figure is perfect! How dare you insinuate otherwise?"

"I dunno, Pads. I think you've put on a couple lately."

Sirius rushed to the mirror, "Lies! I look amazing!"

"If you say so, Padfoot."

Sirius didn't seem to hear James' insults while he continued to admire himself in the mirror.

"Don't bother, Prongs. He's in love with himself. He won't be able to look away until his reflection rejects him cold—like you and Evans." Remus grinned.

James gasped dramatically in horror, "Evans loves me! She just doesn't know it yet!"

"Oh, I know, Prongs. It's so obvious from the way she says she'd rather kiss the giant squid than go on a date with you."

"You're mean today, Moony!"

"I look good."

"Shut up, Padfoot." James and Remus said in unison.

"Nu huh, I can talk all I want. And I can say all I want. If I wanted, I could even sing a song. What's a good song? How about, __Deck the halls with bells of holly___..._Nah, Christmas just ended. Much too late for Christmas songs. We'd all be annoyed by the time the holidays came around again and that wouldn't be fun 'cause Christmas is awesome. I didn't used to like Christmas since my family is full of foul gits but now I live with you, Prongsie and it's so much more fun. Isn't quality time so much better when it's spent with people you can actually stand to be in the same room with? I still like presents best, though. Remember, last year, guys? Remember last year, when Mum P gave me a new beaters bat for Christmas. It's still undefeated. But the real test will come at the end of the season against Ravenclaw, they've put together a good, strong group. Don't you think, Prongsie? Do you—"

"Shut up!" Remus growls menacingly, sounding very much like the wolf he would turn into in a couple nights time.

"Kitchen time! The wolf in you clearly wants some meat!" Sirius' mind was once again focused solely on his stomach.

"What the wolf in me wants is duck tape over your mouth!"

"I would be hurt, but I know it's just your Pre Moon Syndrome talking."

"I wouldn't be so sure if I were you, Padfoot."

"You know you love me too much for that, Moonshine, Moonbeam, Mooniekins."

"_Silencio_!" Remus sighed and lay back, hands folded behind his head, "Ahh, that's much better...ouch! Padfoot, stop poking me. Stop poking me, Padfoot," he tried to swipe his friend's hand away from his body but Sirius wouldn't budge.

"Hey, if you guys are done slapping at each other like a couple little girls fighting over a stuffed unicorn..."

"No, we are not done, Prongs. And we won't be done until _Padfoot stops POKING ME_!" Remus glared at the dog animagus with a fierceness that would have most men running in fear, but not Sirius for the little sense of survival Sirius possessed had apparently disappeared with his voice.

Sirius glared at him and pointed to his mouth in a stern manner then poked him again.

"Okay, this is gonna get ugly now!" Remus jumped up and tackled Sirius off the bed.

Sirius scrambled up, jumped onto his own bed to grab his wand, and waved it around, "Ha! Moony thinks he can outsmart me. He's wrong!"

"It took you 5 minutes to remember you were capable of magic, too."

"Nu huh, my way was just more fun!"

"For who?"

"Me, obviously."

"Riiiiiiiiiight."

"It's true!" Sirius whined, "Just like setting a viper loose in the Slytherin common room!"

"Back to this are we?" Remus groaned

"I still don't see the problem with my idea."

"You wouldn't, Padfoot. You're brain cell doesn't function at that high level of capacity."

"What?"

"You're an idiot." James interrupted, having watched this disagreement, enraptured, as though it were a muggle tennis match.

"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed, "I thought you were supposed to on my side, Prongsie!"

"I was just translating Moony's insult to something you would understand," James raised his hands in surrender.

"Translated it to idiot," Remus muttered, intentionally loud enough to for his friends to hear.

"I am not! And how did you understand that?"

"He's used to getting insulted by people of a higher intellectual capacity," Remus smirked, "Evans does it all the time."

"Only because she loves me, though!"

"Riiiiiiiiiight," Remus drawled sarcastically.

"But to more important affairs. Can we at least release some common, non-venomous garden snakes?"

"If it will shut you both up, go for it."

"Yes!" Sirius cried happily, "This is going to be an awesome prank!"

There was sweet silence for almost ten minutes before James spoke up once more, "Padfoot, come over here. Let's plan this prank."

"Why am I the one who has to move?" Sirius whined piteously

"Because you're section is a disaster and I should get hazard pay just to pass by it," James responded logically, "Plus, my bed's comfier."

"My section is not __that __messy!" Sirius exclaimed in opposition to the disaster that surrounded him at the moment.

"Yeah," James snorted, "Tell that to Wormtail. He's the one spending the night in the hospital wing after passing by your bed."

"Hey! That was not because of the mess! That was because he triggered the prank surrounding my trunk!"

"Okay, okay. Let's pretend I believe you," Sirius smacked him with a pillow, "I'm kidding! Bloody hell! I was here, I saw what happened."

"Then don't go insulting my awesome pranks by pretending you don't remember them!"

Remus sighed from his place on his bed. Not opening his eyes, he said, "I remember telling you guys to shut up."

"But that was __hours__ago!" Sirius whined.

"That was 10 minutes ago!" Remus exclaimed.

"But we have to plan our prank. You said we could," James defended.

"I said you could if you were quiet about it. I know you don't know the meaning of quiet but, please, just try!" Remus begged, still unwilling to open his eyes.

"Alright, alright, Moony," James grinned, "We'll just over here planning a super awesome prank...without you."

"You forgot quietly."

"Okay, Moony!" James sighed, "We'll plan our super awesome prank __quietly__...but still without you."

"If only," Remus sighed, pulling his pillow over his head in an attempt to block out the outside world.

Sirius and James sat on James' bed in silence for another five minutes. For someone who didn't know them, they would think that the two boys had completely forgotten the prank, but either of the other Marauders would know that James and Sirius could stay on the subject of a prank far longer than any other subject known to man, wizard or muggle (except, in James' case, perhaps Lily Evans).

"Moonyyy," James' taunting voice broke the silence once more, "Interested in helping us plan a prank?"

A muffled sound came from below the pillow over Remus' head.

"I'm sorry. Was that, 'Yes, Prongs! It would be an honour to help you plan this prank,'" James said in a faux cheery voice.

Remus removed the pillow from its position with an exasperated sigh, "Actually it was, 'No, Prongs! It would be an honour if you would let me sleep at some point tonight,'" Remus replied in the same tone as James.

"Oh, come on, Moony!" Sirius sighed, "You're the one that ruined our last idea for the prank and we need you to make it up to us!"

"The full moon is in three nights! Is it so hard to let me rest for a __tiny, little while__?" Remus sighed miserably.

"Please, please, please, Moony," James added remembering Moony's advice from the last time he was rejected by the love of his life. __You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, ___w_hich apparently means that people do favours for people who are nice, rather than prats.

"You know you want to, Moony," Sirius added charmingly, "Why, we haven't played a really good prank on the Slytherins in over a month!"

"We pranked Snape, Carrow, McNair, and Avery on Monday," Remus replied simply.

"But not the Slytherins as a whole!" Sirius exclaimed, "Remember that time we changed the Slytherin common room crimson and gold? Don't make me bust out the puppy dog eyes."

"Oooo, now there's a threat!" Remus countered sarcastically. Until Sirius made good on his threat, "No bloody wonder why you're a dog animagus, Padfoot. Stop that, I'll help. But not because of your childish puppy dog eyes. I just know that you won't let it go until I agree so I'm just trying to get this over with as soon as possible."

"Of course," James and Sirius replied simultaneously. They smirked victoriously at each other. As the world's foremost experts on Pre-Moon Syndrome, they knew a well played prank was the best medicine.

A/N: Thanks for reading :) I hope you enjoyed it.


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